Tired Of Being Tired

Last year I had a really strange experience. I am not someone who can easily take a nap during the day; usually it takes me just as long to fall asleep as the time I then spend sleeping, no matter how exhausted I am. Either way I tried and eventually fell asleep on the sofa. When I woke, I heard Lilli giggling in the kitchen. Groggily I thought I must have really needed that sleep because I hadn’t noticed her coming home from school. I went to turn my head and realised I couldn’t. I could see the room but couldn’t move one fiber of my body. A vague memory hit me of someone who had once mentioned this odd state of being awake while being asleep — I can’t remember what it’s called. But the story was frightening and I panicked. I fought tooth and nail to move my legs and started screaming. The sound echoed in the back of my mind but seemed lodged in my throat, still I didn’t stop until, finally, my surroundings dimmed and I woke. For real.

That feeling of being stuck and unable to move or make a sound — hopelessly trying to reach past the silence, reach through the apparent barrier around me — is how I have felt these past few weeks. So it isn’t so strange the same happened when I started this post yesterday. I wrote — I wrote a lot. So many words yet it’s like they weren’t getting through, like they were not the actual words I wanted to write. They came out in disguise, in a shape I didn’t think them, in a way I didn’t intend them. And suddenly I had written several paragraphs about some topic not at all related to why I sat down to write in the first place.

What it all comes down to is that I am still tired. Beyond tired. Way past exhausted, even, to be honest with you. So completely hollowed out and unbalanced I found myself saying out loud: enough already! Do you ever get like that? Your entire life just seems so upside down and inside out that you could choke on it.

distant-contemplation

A few weeks back I had some blood tests done because I have had swelling in some of my fingers — they were red, hot to the touch, and one finger I couldn’t even curl fully. This sensitivity to the cold made it all worse and, sure, I have experienced this for a couple of years now, but never this bad. Just this weekend I came inside after not even half an hour in the cold and my hands ached so much I was in tears. I stood hulking by the sink as the warm water cascaded over my fingers and felt so damn miserable. I can take Loke for a longer walk, being in constant motion is what I suspect helps keep it at bay, but if I go outside with my camera to take photos I end up in excruciating pain and I hate it. So after one week of swelling, stiffness, pins and needles and something like liquid fire in my fingers, I sought out a doctor.

Among my bigger fears were SLE and rheumatoid arthritis. Mom has suffered these since (I think) her mid-twenties, and I myself was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis when I was fifteen. When I phoned about the results last week, though, they had come back negative, for which I am so, so grateful, because lupus and arthritis are hellish illnesses. However, we also did a screening of my blood levels as well, and it turns out I’m anemic. In spite of having taken iron on pretty much a daily basis since this time last year, when I sank into depression. Last week when I talked to the nurse I was told to call back on Monday, this week. She left a request with the doctor to write instructions for me, since I told her about that I have been taking iron. And other vitamins and minerals. All he had for me was: we will keep an eye on it. And the first time available to re-visit him is in mid-April.

Did I mention I am tired of being tired? I feel like screaming. I should probably leave the house first. I did that once a few years ago and it both did and didn’t help. Maybe because it wasn’t a very forceful nor impressive scream, but that anticlimactic sensation made me laugh. Sort of like the time when I in a fit of indignant rage decided I would try to throw a mug, because throwing things seemed to me be a thing some do when they get angry, and I had always wondered if it actually helped. I made a dramatic exit but came straight back inside to pick up the broken pieces and to apologise.

light-shining-through-the-window

loke-and-I-watching-eachother

All this said, last week on Friday I told myself, out loud, that it’s enough. To start off, I made a deal with myself to not touch my phone for the rest of the weekend, except for phonecalls and text messages. It worked really well, with a couple of minor slips, and on Saturday I spent a few hours in Rauma, both to look for new glasses and to get some plants! I have so often imagined how lovely it would be if I could have lots of plants, but I have felt cursed — they all die on me. Now I was ready to give it another try, and not only do they give a sense of peace and harmony, but some plants really do improve the air. If at any time that is needed it’s during winter and early spring. Both Lilli and I suffer a lot from dry skin this time of the year. And so I did some research to find plants best suited for someone who repeatedly exercises her knack for killing them. Not intentionally, of course.

beautiful-green-plants

kimbala-fikus

lovely-fern

zamiakalla-the-wardrobe-plant

On my way home from Rauma on Saturday I sat with a big smile on my face, constantly peering into the rearview mirror to see the back seat full of brown paper packages. I couldn’t wait to get back to the farm to introduce these beautiful plants to their new home. Loke was so excited and stared with such intensity when I unwrapped the plants. I wish I had remembered to take photos of it.

And then, on Sunday, Lilli and I had a day in Raisio — a little over an hour’s drive from here — to visit IKEA, among other places. Over the years I have always seen so many nice pots there, but can you believe the one time I go there specifically to get pots there were hardly any? At first I was so certain I would be able to dig up some old pots from the nooks and crannies here at home, but they were all wrong sizes, so off we went. At the end of the day I came home with four pots, and we really had a wonderful time.

new-pots

It’s not often I enjoy shopping or spending any great amount of time in places packed with people. IKEA is one of those places that can be so cozy and fun to browse, while at the same time sucking the life out of you. I only have good memories of it though, from when my parents took us there as kids. And when I lived in Australia, I would sometimes visit IKEA to alleviate my homesickness.

After a full day away from home, I was too tired to do anything else, so it wasn’t until yesterday I got stuck into re-planting. It took me a lot longer than planned because I wanted to take photos at the same time. Jay shook his head (all in good humor) when he came into the living room. I had news papers, pots and plants spread out over the floor, and my camera on the tripod blocking the passage, haha.

me-and-a-bag-of-mulch

filling-the-pot-with-mulch

planting-with-care

I honestly have no idea what I am doing, which I am sure you figured already when I mentioned I am an unintentional plant-killer. I have done some research and written down instructions on how to care for these plants (where to place them, how much water to give and how often, etc) but only time will tell if I get it right this time or not. So if any of you have tips or advice for me, I will more than gladly receive it. 😀

Now there are only two plants left without pots, but one of those will be planted this afternoon. I did have one pot that I bought for an ivy which died last November. It sat in its pot still until end of January. Somehow it looked beautiful anyway, and I didn’t have it in me to throw it out. I gave it to the wardrobe plant, as its called in Swedish. It basically means you can put it away and forget about it and it will still survive — sounds perfect for me, right? 😉 So the terracotta pot I bought from IKEA got a little special paint treatment. It didn’t occur to me until after I had painted it that maybe the paint isn’t good for the plant. The chalk paint I mixed is meant for furniture, and the shimmering paint is meant for wooden panelling, so I don’t even know how well it will last. But it’s so so pretty!

paint-and-brushes

pearly-shimmering-paint

me-mixing-paint

Painting really is so relaxing and the pot turned out pretty nice, if I do say so myself. I will snap a photo of it when the plant is in place.

Now I have a little request of sorts, and I would really like to hear what you think about this post and these photos. What did you like? What didn’t interest you so much? Or is there something you would have liked to see/read more of that I didn’t show/write? I figured that just because I can’t spend much time outside right now with my camera it doesn’t mean I can’t still take photos. I’ll just have to get a little more creative, I guess, and then take the opportunities those moments when it is warmer to take my camera outside.

Another big plus with all this is how good it felt to do something. Buying and planting a few plants and painting a pot might not seem like much, but finding enjoyment or even the energy to do something small after long months of slumber can mean the world. And for a while I got to feel a little more like myself and not the tired blob inhabiting my body lately.

Last but not least, thank you so much for leaving so wonderful comments on my last post. Every single time I receive a message in spite of my own shortcomings in replying on time (if at all), I get such a warm feeling. It really, really means so much to me and I truly feel I have your support regardless of what my life looks like or how often or seldom I update. Still I strongly believe it will get better. Many hugs to you my dearest readers. ❤

Posted by

I'm Lotta. I live on a farm in southwestern Finland among oats, wheat, and swaying pines. With photography and words I show the journey toward building my life-long dream of telling inspirational and unforgettable stories through images. I am so glad you are here to share this experience. <3

19 thoughts on “Tired Of Being Tired

  1. Hello Lotta! I liked the photos: did you take them with a timer by yourself? There’s a pleasing color scheme to them, and to your home 😊 I also like the candid way you write about your feelings. Your posts are REAL, and that’s what draws me to them. About being tired, I’ve been EXHAUSTED. No one said life with twins would be easy but my gosh, maybe I’m too old or something. The winter darkness just made it worse, thankfully the sun has finally come out! The twins are 9 months now and crawling, the only moment I can even snack on something is when they are napping (right now). They only nap once a day simultaneously. During this past winter, weeks went by without me even leaving my home! I couldn’t be bothered (winter) and was too tired anyway. I felt so guilty about not taking my babies outside. Just waiting for spring, waiting… Now that it’s here, I still don’t go out eveyday and when I do go with the pram, I have to drag myself out. So I know all about exhaustion!!!!! Living here in the arctic is such an extreme experience, for me at least. But we just have to keep trying and stay optimistic, right? 😊 Good luck, enjoy your day! ☀️☀️☀️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Snow! I was so happy to hear from you, even though I am very sorry to hear your winter has been heavy. And yes! You are SO right about optimism. It seems like one of those things we truly do need up here in the north, and to try our best to find the beauty in our season, the golden glow in our faint light. It’s there, but it is SO hard to find when wrapped up in a fog of melancholy, (and I can only imagine only more so for you who have so much experience of warmer, brighter climates). So as I read somewhere recently, we who live up here in this darkness and make it through every winter should give ourselves a BIG pat on the back. We are awesome. Are you with me? 😀 And about motherhood and having kids: I didn’t have twins, but I can really relate to these things you describe, and it is all and everything I never expected. One thing I myself was terrible at was to give myself credit for all the things I did do, and it’s easy to feel guilty about the things we feel we aren’t doing as much as (or the way) we should. I believe you are a wonderful mother and your babies are happy and blessed to have you. I can promise you there will be moments and stages as they grow when these tougher times will pale. It can be difficult, but trust in your own abilities and that you are more than a good enough mother, just the way you are. Exhaustion and all! ❤

      And yes, I use a tripod and timed shutter. 🙂 I have a remote shutter but when I got my new camera I noticed the plug on the cord doesn't fit. And I haven't had the motivation to find one that does. I do have an app on my phone though that allows me connection to my camera via wifi, so I can use my phone as a remote shutter. The only problem is I can't do that outside since my phone shuts down in the cold!! I'm happy to hear you like the photos, too, and my home! (Once I get rid of all piles of clothes, crap and layers of dust, I will show more! 😉 Haha)

      I wish you a lovely Easter, Snow, and I'll join you in the quest for continued optimism! Sunnier, warmer days aren't far away. We can do it! ❤ Hugs my dear.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, we do deserve a big pat on the back, both for surviving up here in the North, and also for being awesome mums! 🙂 Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I guess you’re right, I should be giving myself credit instead of feeling guilty! I am certainly doing my best, and that’s all anyone has to offer, isn’t it? 🙂 Happy Easter to you too! This summer will surely be a nice one weather-wise, bringing us lots of energy and vitamin D!!! ❤

        Like

      1. I didn’t know that! ☺️ Maybe that explains why we picked green for our bedroom walls? (And today I am actually wearing all green clothes, haha!)

        I can just imagine you must be so excited; it’s so much fun when decorating a new place, isn’t it? All the best of wishes for your new home! And have a lovely week. ❤️

        Like

  2. Hi Lottis!
    I really just wanted to say that, despite all your struggles (maybe sometimes -because- of them? 😮 ) I think you really “bloom” in all your ideas and accomplishments! 😀 (is shine a better word perhaps? )
    You’re -so- talented and I wish I had, even just a little bit of, your drive(?)
    From someone who is a little of an expert of winding down and unhitch; Go you!! Thinking about yourself sometimes is -not- a bad thing 😉 ❤
    Lovely photos! Especially the one with you perched on that armchair ^^ and I like the step by step style of pictures or ones where you're given a peak into someones homely(?) projects. 🙂
    I will absolutely get one of those wardrobe plants myself!
    *hugs* ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww, thank you MOM! ❤ ❤ ❤ You should definitely get a wardrobe plant, even if I know you are way better with plants than I am! 😉 I'm always as happy when you give me feedback on my photos (anything, really, I create and make) and reassure me they are not crappy when I'm having really bad days! Haha! 😀 Thank you for supporting me always in anything I decide to do. Stora bamsekramar mammilammi! ❤ :-*

      Like

  3. I don’t know if it helps to hear this, but I have been just barely surviving myself lately. So even though I am sure I don’t understand exactly how it is for you, I can certainly understand what it’s like to not have energy, mentally or physically, to carry on. And yet somehow, to carry on.
    Oh, I am able to do my work, my job. But I can’t find energy, or will, to live my life…the way I think I would like to live it. I’m living, but not really living.

    So I am VERY impressed that you were able to get pots and plants and make a statement to yourself and those you love that you are investing in the future, in beauty, in now. It is brave to do that, when other parts of you are pulling a different direction. So I think it is very very awesome that you did that. And the photos were lovely. It almost (almost) made me think of doing something to improve my space. 🙂

    You asked for feedback on the photos and content. Beyond what I have already said, I am very curious about your arm tattoo. Maybe you have talked about it in a previous blog post? But I was wondering what exactly the image was, and what the origin story is. So that would be my request…the story of your tattoo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I just realised that I wanted to reply to both your comments in one and the same message!

      The way you write about how you feel really does resound with me and how I feel so often these days, even though I no longer go to a job which triggered very, -very- similar feelings of exhaustion and being drained of all will to actually live my life. And it does help. To feel I am not alone and that my struggles are shared with others who go through the same or similar is a comfort. I have to admit it really made me happy to hear it -almost- made you think of something for yourself. 🙂 I don’t consider myself an expert who can give others advice in these situations, I barely function myself. I can only share what works (and what doesn’t) for me. And I did all these things in small steps. Very, very small steps. First the idea was born, but I was SO discouraged by the mess in our living room. I have neglected cleaning way too much. So I started by just clearing the sofa table. Then I moved some clothes. Did a sweep with the vacuum cleaner. Over the course of a couple of days. Then I went back to my dark corner and sat a while longer, until that fed-up feeling grabbed me once more. So maybe that almost-feeling will happen a few times more and then you will do a part of that something? I had to convince myself that any small part was enough, force myself to look at it and not think at the same time of the rest of the house that would need cleaning and how long it would take to catch up. Whenever I think of -all- that has fallen to the sidelines that needs fixing, I deflate instantly. Instead I try to think of that after some time these many, many tiny little parts I do will have to add up. It doesn’t always work, but it doesn’t always fail, either. ❤

      And about your request — I got so excited! I think I might have mentioned something about why I got the tattoo in a post sometime last summer, but I believe I can defnitely honour your request and share the story in full. In fact it would be a pleasure. 🙂

      I am sending many hugs your way, dear Pamela. Thank you so much for all that you share, and take care of you. ❤

      Like

  4. hello lotta, a long time without seeing you here, what good to know about you, I’m glad to hear from you,
    I understand the feeling you explain, it’s not really nice, to do something (like plants for example), it helps a lot, also to listen certain type of music. Have you thought about something related to goldsmith? Sometimes the manual works help a lot to have that concentration that helps in these cases against depression. Have you done any tests for thyroid? you have to be careful with that topic.

    do not forget to consume a lot of fish where you can find iodine and omega-3, salads, fruits, and also red meats, do not neglect yourself.

    With respect to the plants, it is an excellent therapy, it is not advisable to paint the inside of the pots, since these absorb the chemicals and minerals from the paintings through the roots. self poisoning.

    There are so many things that may be affecting you personally, as in your case of being tired of being tired, there may be many factors, I hope you can find the way to some clarity in this.

    now about your small order, I really like everything that, with a lot of effort and dedication, you publish, you have a lot of talent with your photographs, I have also seen in Instagram, and the things you write as well.

    also, a lot of attention and information about solar storms, these also affect us physically and psychologically, I do not remember where, but I read recently that for this month of March 2018, there will be a few weeks of a lot of activity.

    Here I found something, it is in Spanish, but you can help with Google translator.
    how do I write to you, ha ha ha …

    1- https://diariohoy.net/interes-general/dos-tormentas-solares-podrian-ocasionar-contratiempos-en-la-tierra-117779

    2- https://www.clarin.com/viva/afectan-tormentas-solares_0_rk70LjdIG.html

    Although it seems repetitive, I have to say, that I like to know and read about you and your things, for me personally it is not annoying, and do not forget to see the subject of the thyroid.

    an affectionate hug from a distance, fernando.
    (do not absent yourself)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Fernando! I used google translate to read those articles and I have heard of these phenomenons, and of how other things out in the vast expanse of the universe and in nature here on our very planet might affect us. It’s very interesting to say the least. Some claim to have difficulties sleeping, for example, when it’s full moon. Among many, many other things.

      What you mention about the thyroid is something I have been tested for (now and in previous years) but according the doctor the test results have never showed anything out of the ordinary. I did however talk with some friends who suggested I request further tests since apparently one can still have imbalances that do not show up on the test doctors usually order, so this is something I will do in April. I have also read up on what I can do myself in terms of what to eat and what to maybe stay away from if I do have an underactive thyroid (which I suppose it could be since many symptoms fit, but as with many things we look up ourselves I find it’s so easy to recognise one’s own problems in many different diagnoses, so I am trying to wait for further testing). Thank you so much for mentioning this though. 🙂

      It’s so funny you mention goldsmithing because back in 2011 I applied to and got into a goldsmith education. I dreamed of turning one of our old buildings on the farm into a jewelry smith and to design and create my own jewelry. Studying has always been a big challenge for me. I loved being at my station and working with the materials, but there were other classes included in this education that had nothing to do with goldsmithing that I had to do as well, and I just couldn’t make myself do it. I just wanted to work with creating jewelry, not read, haha. I also was hit by a depression (happens to me SO much I feel I have to start seeing funny sides to it so I won’t go insane), so in the end I quit. They were so wonderful the teachers there, and told me I will have a place there if I decide I want to come back. 🙂

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions with me, I really appreciate it so much. I’m happy to hear you enjoy what I write and the photos I show. I can definitely understand some things are repetetive, and especially now when my entire life has become so much about my lack of energy. Sometimes I can sit and think that I have already shared this about myself, that you (my readers) know already what I am going through. It really warms to hear you don’t find it annoying, though, especially since I personally can get annoyed with myself for walking in circles, haha. 🙂 I really do hope and have every intention of being able to show and talk about some new things soon! 😉 And your advice on not painting the inside of the pot made me laugh because I had started done it already! Only the edge, though, so I really hope it won’t hurt the plant.

      As always, thank you for your thoughtfulness. Many hugs to you! 🙂
      (I will try my very best to update soon!)

      Like

  5. Hi Lotta , looks like great fun gardening in your living room 🙂 . Years ago doctors used to recommend that people who were anaemic, to drink a bottle of Guinness a day ! I don’t know if it works but it sounds like a great reason to try it 😉 , I wouldn’t need much persuading anyway he he . Hope you have a good week 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha, a bottle of Guinness! I’m not much for beer but I do like Guinness. ☺️ And it goes well with sauna! Not sure I could do it on a daily basis though!
      Wish you a good week, too, Ian. So glad you stopped by. 🙂

      Like

Share your thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s